Archive | June 2013

For the first time, Love is easy and kind

I don’t ever want to come off like I’m looking for pity.  I want to share my life in stories to possibly help others who might have gone through the same thing so we can heal together. With that said………..

 

I never thought of myself as a “worthy” person.  I’ve always felt like I’ve had to earn every little thing in life; from praise to affection.  So my relationships were always of the toxic kind.  Me doing everything to please someone who was there to use me.  I always tended to go after the guys I thought would be into me, not the guys I knew would be good for me. 

I think I had to go through all the jerks to really appreciate just how amazing my current relationship is.  He gives me the strength to be myself and it is so refreshing to be able to just “be” in a relationship.  I don’t have to have the perfect hair and makeup because he sees my inner beauty.  He’s protective but not controlling.  And most of all he’s supportive of all my decisions.  Granted, he doesn’t agree with some of them but he gives his opinion and his experience and lets me learn on my own. (Most of the time I’m admitting he was right afterwards!  LMAO)  

  He has given me the strength to finally become “myself” again.  The road to that point has definitely not been easy, but he hasn’t given up on me and I refuse to give up on him.  Both of our pasts have been full of disappointment and hurt, but I am looking forward to our beautiful future together.  5 1/2 years so far and we’re still strong. 

Most people look at him and see his hard outer shell.  He is an extremely serious man who is set firm in his beliefs and I feel sorry for anyone who crosses him or messes with his loved ones. 

I am lucky enough to see the OTHER side.  How he loves his daughter, niece and nephew more than the world.  The way he will never just outright give a compliment, but will lightweight talk shit with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face.  His patience (that will be hard for most to believe who know him) with me and our crazy pack of dogs. 

I am so grateful that whatever it was that pushed me to pursue the gorgeous man with the long hair and the blue eyes that matched his Harley.  Even though I think both of us were expecting a totally different outcome to our relationship. 

I have found where I need to be in live and love and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Watch out for the “vicious” Pit Bulls!!!

Being a pit bull mama, I hear all kinds of random remarks about the breed. I was thinking about all of the stuff I hear this morning as I was letting my “babies” in from their morning bathroom break and as they came in, one by one, I got wiggly tails and big kisses from each of them. 

I get that I am not a normal dog owner.  My dogs are my world like some people’s kids are to them.  The “pups” have literally been hugged and loved on by my niece and nephew since they were a day old.  ( Now they listen to them better than they do to me, what the hell?)

I also get the fact that there are a lot of stupid people out there who don’t realize what they are really doing with their dogs when they allow them to be untrained and don’t give them the attention they deserve.  I do realize that some people are just so warped in their heads that they think these dogs are objects to be used to make money from fighting them and it is just absolutely disgusting to me that these beautiful creatures are used in such a way.  I’ve learned that this breed really isn’t like any other. 

It seems like all my dogs are wanting in life is to just “be” with us in whatever we do.  They want to please us so much.  They LIVE to hear “good boy/girl.”  I could definitely see how easy it would be to train these dogs to be killers because of how much they want to make us happy. 

I wish I could speak to every person out there that has the misconception that it is the nature of these dogs to be mean.  I tell people all the time to just meet my dogs ( especially my Kemo Sabe ) and then make a more informed decision about the breed.  I’m sure they could change the mind of even the most anti-pit bull person.  

I know for a fact that Kemo was able to show an older man, who had once been bit really badly by a pit bull, that the dog that attacked him, wasn’t the norm of the breed.  It was almost magical seeing the man that approached with caution as my uncle was reassuring him that Kemo was of absolutely no threat slowly get more and more comfortable as Kemo just sat at his feet ( or rather ON his feet ) as we talked.  The most touching part was seeing this man bend down after a few moments, wrap his arms around Kemo and let Kemo kiss him all over his face. 

One person down, now to convince the rest of the world…..

 

Making my way out of Hell

In hindsight, the Hell I went through after high school was actually a blessing in disguise to make me who I am today.

I could have chosen pretty much any path in life.  I earned pretty good grades in high school and I truly love learning.  But one fateful night, a couple months after graduating high school, I made the choice to try Methamphetamine.  That decision took the reins from me and led me off into a 5 year downward spiral into my own personal Hell.

I think I had the cards stacked against me just a little.  I had watched my father succumb to this disease my whole life.  Aunts and Uncles had always struggled with their own demons disguised as addictions.  I just fell in place for my turn.  I do not blame them in the least for this, but I do think it added some susceptibility for my own addiction.

Dropping classes is where it began.  I needed the time I was in class to instead hang out with the people I was using with! I quit my job and just hung out getting wired all day.  After about a year of this, I was getting bored with the drug and tried to pull my head above water a little bit.  I enrolled in a technical school and was doing okay with getting away from the drug. And then I met someone I’ll refer to as A-Hole.

A-Hole was a full blown addict and had been for years.  He was the type of guy that would have made my skin crawl if my brain wasn’t under the influence.  Kids from different women all over Hayward, didn’t know how to keep his penis in his pants, and he felt that beating the crap out of his girlfriend(s) was acceptable.  I wish I would have known all that BEFORE!!!!

Close to 3 years I spent in that hell.  I didn’t know that I deserved better.  All the times I tried to leave, the empty threats against my family warped my mind into staying for the abuse.

Eventually, I gained the courage to leave.  Took me getting arrested but I finally was able to get out and stay away.

Getting arrested was actually the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life.  I chose a deal to do a 6 month outpatient drug program and it worked!  I was totally ready to quit at this point and I believe that was the secret to my success.

While doing my program, I met the man of my dreams.  I used to see him ride his Harley past A-Hole’s house and I always said I just wanted to know him at least.  That was almost 6 years ago and we are still as strong as Day 1.  His undying love and support through all the residual effects of the drugs (anxiety and PTSD) and all the other obstacles in life have made me realize MY worth and restored my faith in good men out there.

 

This is a very stripped-down version of what happened because I just want my story out there.  I am not looking for pity or anything like that.  If reading my posts helps you in any way, then I am happy.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

This entry was posted on June 21, 2013. 1 Comment