Archive | July 2013

A stream of consciousness

All my life I always knew my father aka sperm donor was no good.  I was never good enough, had to prove that I loved him, and it always seemed like he resented me being born.  Even went to the extreme of telling me I should have been born a boy. 

So with all this, most of my adolescent life I thought I’d never wish that my sperm donor would actually act like my dad.

This morning I read a story on Facebook stating how a young woman who was engaged, found out her dad had only 3 month to live and staged a mock wedding so that she could share her bridal dance with her father before he was too sick to do so.  Made the tears come without warning.

Even though I have made the conscious decision to not get married, if I were to want to, this would be something I missed out on.  

That got me thinking of all the things that I could have really needed and wanted my father’s support on, but he would never and will never be there.

Now that I’m older and my teenage angst has all but left me, I cry for myself (not too much) for all the things we could have done together.  It hurts to think of but then I think of all the things I’ve done without his support and I realize even though his presence was wanted, it is not needed.  

Maybe it has made me a stronger person, maybe this is the reason I feel so alone and weak.  I’ll never know because you can’t go back and change the past.

All I know is I think I made it to where I need to be in life and I’m happy, just wish I had that father figure in my life.  

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Must be in the water nowadays….

The past few days interacting with random people, had got me thinking about how screwed up people are in general.  

Faultiness seems to be a trait more and more people have.  I think certain social media sites are giving us the platform to fabricate our fantasy lives.  We are given the freedom to say anything regardless of the truth in the matter.  I just think it’s funny that people are so quick to say all these blatant lies like no one is ever going to find out.  

There are always 3 sides to every story; side 1, side 2 and the truth.  If your side of the story just ends up bashing the other person, might be better off keeping it to yourself.  

Same life, different attitude

Yesterday I was able to make a change that I believe will have nothing but positive consequences in my life.  I finally feel freedom. 

It’s kind of funny how something so seemingly small can make a huge difference in one’s perspective and attitude!  I’ve always heard people saying that just letting go can sometimes be the best therapy ever.  Now I totally believe it!

I will no longer be a prisoner to the pain of my past.  I never realized just how much this has held me back in life and how it helped me make the choices I did.  I may have wavered on my path in life but I do not regret a single thing because it has made me the person I am today.  I would not be where I am now if it weren’t for those choices, and while I do not have a “perfect” life, it suits me just fine! 

I’ve also reached a point in my life where I’m finally comfortable with my life without being surrounded by people all the time.  I used to think I needed to be out all the time and have 100’s of friends.  But where were all those “friends” after I started doing more for me and less for everyone else? 

I am so thankful for the few who stuck around and the few that came back.  Now that that deep wound has started to heal, I finally feel that I am happy and comfortable with myself just the way I am (well except for that last 15 lbs from when I wasn’t taking care of myself the way I should have but that will be the basis of becoming me again).

 

Tomorrow

I really need tomorrow to go well for me.  Hopefully, it will be that start of the rest of my life without constant pain and without the possibility of him harassing me for at least 5 years. 

 

*Deep Breaths*  My life has been so good lately and I think this will help me heal. 

If ignorance is bliss, I’d rather suffer

So there’s some things in my past that hid in the dark for way too many years.  When I tried to bring them into the light I was called a liar and my anxiety issues were supposedly making me “delusional.”  I must be a one of a kind case because I had never heard that ever!!  *sarcasm*

 

I guess for some people it is perfectly acceptable to just ignore things that could be a huge problem to more than just family. Just because something happened close to 20 years ago doesn’t make it alright and doesn’t mean that that person has changed, ESPECIALLY when there is proof that he has done this to someone recently. 

 

How can you just turn a blind eye?  This is not something forgivable.  I can’t just move on and “fix” the nonexistent relationship.  “Fixing” it would require me having contact with someone who hurt me to my core, something that shouldn’t be forgiven.  But you continue to protect him and believe he did nothing wrong.  I know you didn’t care for me much as a child but now you want to be around me?! But you still won’t believe me.  I guess being around your great-grandchildren doesn’t mean anything to you, because you’re going to allow him to move into your house.  Well if my cousin does go back on the word she gave me about not going to visit if he’s there, then I’ll know for sure you guys are the crazy ones and all this was not in vain

Anxiety is a bitch

I was hurt very deeply in my past which has left me with anxiety that controls my life no matter how hard I try. 

With the constant flashbacks to the times that may have caused any amount of anxiety, I am a prisoner to my own memories. 

The part that is really hurting me though, is how hard it is to get help!  Times have been hard the past few years and I do not have medical insurance or the means to obtain it.  Since I am considered low-income, I attempted to apply for temporary Medi-Cal.  I was dismayed to hear that because I was not 65 or pregnant, I was not eligible unless I had medical documentation to prove I had a disability. My immediate thought was how in the hell do I prove what’s going on in my head??!!??  It’s not like I have a USB port in my head and they can hook up to see my thoughts…. 

So I’ve been going through the painfully slow application process.  It almost seems like the people who thought up the process made it a “set up to fail” on purpose!  I’ve filled out so many forms it’s ridiculous.  Then to receive responses to the forms that are written in “legal-ese” and I feel like I have to pull out a damned dictionary to decipher them.  I’ve spent countless hours driving to this office, being told I was sent to the wrong place, then driving clear across the county only to be told I have to fill out ANOTHER form and wait for an appointment to be assigned. 

I understand that the state and county offices are grossly understaffed here in California and that all these steps are to ensure that people truly NEED these services, but while all this is going on, all I want is to be able to go more than 2 hours without a panic attack. 

My appointment Monday told me that earliest I would receive any feedback on my application would be 4 months.  *UGH* 

No wonder most people  with severe mental health issues are either in jail or homeless. I could totally imagine someone who gets discouraged easily and doesn’t have high mental capacity, just giving up on getting help! 

I guess 4 more months after all these years isn’t a big deal, it just feels that way.