Archive | November 2013

Terrified

I’m scared to even type this because I feel that even thinking these thoughts will bring the events about sooner but since I’m up at 4:30am thinking about it anyway I might as well get it out.  

I am so so so afraid for my dog Kemo.  He’s not walking well at all and I know that he’s close to 15 years old and this is normal for a dog his age but I am so terrified of losing him that even the slightest stutter-step sends me into a panic to where I can’t breathe and it feels like my heart has been ripped from my body.  

I’ve never been able to deal well with death.  It’s been 17 years since my Grandma left and I still have a hard time looking at her picture without breaking down.  How in the hell am I going to deal with losing  my heart???  Kemo, even just being a dog, has shown me loyalty when I thought that quality never existed, love when I thought it was just a word rather than an emotion, patience, and how to love unconditionally.  

It sounds crazy to say that a dog taught me all this.  But my upbringing was not the best and I didn’t learn the true meaning of theses things until I was in my mid-20’s.  

Kemo’s the one I run to when I need a hug…..who am I going to run to with my stupid anxiety fears when I feel like if I tell a human they’ll tell me how stupid I really am??

On the other side of the coin, I know he’s lived a very full life brimming with love from everyone who has ever met him.  Any pain he might be in would be gone and I know his spirit will never leave my side just like he never leaves my side now.  

I’m also nowhere near being ready to deal with the way Rick will react when he loses his baby.  He gets mad and throws things over little bullshit…..I have a feeling WW3 will occur when Kemo leaves this world.  

Maybe this little rant will help me deal….maybe not….but it sure felt good to finally get this out.  I wish Rick were home though, cuz I need a hug…