Most people struggle with normal things day to day; I wish I knew what the normal struggles are. Most of the time my struggles are internal. Do I have the energy to keep calm while going grocery shopping? What if I go grocery shopping and my car breaks down on the way? If my car breaks down, how will I get Rick over to me since we only have the one vehicle? *heart begins racing, breathing increases, yep here comes the anxiety attack*
I am told that being a relatively intelligent 30 year old woman, that I should be able to live a normal life and deal with “normal” daily stresses. But what actually falls into the category “normal”? Does everyone else freak out at the idea of being in a large group of people, even if you know most of those people? Is it “normal” to be on edge thinking that an associate from your past may be trying to set you up or harm you? Ugh it’s exhausting. All the stuff that goes through my head before I leave the house.
At home with my boyfriend and dogs, I am fine. My comfort zone. I am untouchable here. My inner strength is at it’s highest but as soon as I leave my driveway *poof* I’m a weak defenseless “little girl” looking for her security blanket.
With all these fears and phobias, all the flashbacks to the abuse of my distant and more recent pasts, is my ability to function normally just buried? Or am I even able to function normally? I wish there were a search engine that I could type what I feel into and it comes back with ” Your fear is irrational” or “Your fear is justified.” I’m sick of wondering if it is my ptsd talking or if my gut instinct is warning me.
I’m told I’m “too young” to have this affect my daily life…..well spend a day in my head and still tell me that.
I’m sick of these “professionals” telling me that I’m not going through what I’m actually going through because I am well-spoken, intelligent, and choose not to look like a bum when the situation calls for being professional. Maybe i will start wearing my pajamas and slippers to these meetings and not comb my hair, maybe then they will see that I do have a mental illness and I need help. Money would be nice but I want help to get past these last few demons swirling around in my head. I want to be a contributing member of society instead of this shell of a human being who hides away in her house.