I’m finally okay with my only company being myself

I’ve always felt a desperation to fit in, to be popular, one of the “in-crowd.” I just wanted to be seen. As a child, I always remember being alone. An only child who went to a school across town from her home (because while my mom couldn’t control the neighborhood we lived in, she made sure I’d be educated in the higher end part of town), not to mention being a painfully shy introverted empath, didn’t make for the best combination for making easy friends. 

Life at home wasn’t easy either. My father was (and still is) a methamphetamine addict who was not fit to be a father. My mom carried the whole household on her meager paycheck while my father would disappear on drug binges every weekend. During the times he was home, he was the worst kind of monster. (That’s a whole other blog post though.)

Spending the first 30 years of my life doing everything to fit in was exhausting. Trying (and failing) not to be awkward, trying to cover up how big of a nerd I really was, trying to prove I was worth letting hang around, trying to be everything I wasn’t.

Hindsight being 20/20, all those years I was being used. I was so willing to help others that I neglected myself in the process. Doing things that would push me to mental and emotional limits because I didn’t want to let others down. I always prided myself in my independence, but when I really truly needed help, not a single person helped me out.

I was devastated. Here I was doing above and beyond for these people, but I couldn’t even get a ride to the store when my car was down. Let alone REAL help.

I’ve started secluding myself. Doing things just for me, shutting down my personal Facebook account (I still operate my handmade crafts site), and refusing to assist others when doing so will affect my mental health.

Surprisingly it has worked.  I’ve felt a sense of peace that I haven’t felt since, well, ever. It is so refreshing to finally put myself and my passions first instead of helping others fulfill their dreams by putting mine to the wayside.

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Homemade body scrub

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So after having a series of medical issues that kept complicating each other, I had a really ugly rash and patches of severely dry skin on my arms, chest and face. Totally not cute especially in the middle of summer in Northern California!!  Of course, my skin is super sensitive (my face especially!) and I can’t tolerate a lot of the products on the store shelves.

I ran across a sugar scrub basic recipe on Pinterest and added my own twist to it! (Thanks for pointing me in the right direction perrysplate.com!)

Brown Sugar Coconut Oil Body Scrub

2cups Brown sugar

1cup Coconut Oil

Fresh mint leaves (my twist but you can use essential oils or extracts) optional

(To make a creamier scrub add a cup of lotion)

1)Mix all ingredients

2)Store in airtight container

(The picture of the scrub in the bowl shows after everything is mixed together. The oil was in a liquid state when I mixed it so it looked really soupy.  Letting it sit in the fridge or freezer for a little while helps thicken it up.  Either form is good to use. Mine is always soupy because I leave it in the shower and I live in a warm climate)

Scared

A friend of mine has been missing for three days now.  Very unlike him to be out of contact with anyone let alone EVERYONE.  I’ve been trying to stay so positive about this situation but the more and more I learn about what is going on and the more the minutes tick by, the outcome looks very grim.

I know he had been struggling emotionally and his persistent pain wasn’t helping.

Hindsight being 20/20 there were subtle signs that I feel stupid for not picking up on.

At this point, I’m hoping its just that he’s hurt somewhere and can’t get to anyone.

I’m hoping he knows how loved he is.  Such an amazing guy with an amazing mind.  Who else will leave me intelligently worded sarcastic smart-assed comments on all my posts where I’m trying to sound smarter than I am?

Please come home Chris.

need to make my mind more active in a productive way

Going to try to make myself write more blogs.  I no longer believe Facebook is a good outlet for my thoughts.  Too much drama and too much judgement.  I would rather spend my time on here anyway.  No limitations on what I can or cannot say.

 

Stay tuned for product reviews and random craziness from my overactive mind.

Nothing more than feelings…….

I love drinking my coffee at my dining table, while the scent of jasmine is carried through the window by the spring breeze.  

I feel proud as I walk through my maturing vegetable garden knowing that the plants are thriving because of the care I’ve provided.  

I have a sense of accomplishment seeing my dogs grow up and turn from crazy, rambunctious puppies into well-behaved well-adjusted dogs.

I feel at ease when I sit back in comfort in my house that has become our home.  

I feel loved knowing that I can be 100% unfiltered Vickie and my boyfriend is still sticking around after almost 7 years.

I feel strong looking back on all that I have overcame and realizing that I’m still standing.

I feel pride in knowing that people are inspired by my struggle.

Can’t turn my brain off

I don’t understand the way some people live and think.  Maybe that’s normal though.  Seems to me people as a whole would want the best for their communities and the Earth but it seems like the main motivation in life is to acquire the most material things that you can while creating waste by tossing last month’s model in the landfill.  I’ll admit, there are things I lust after that are totally impractical but I’m human.

I see people all over social media bragging about what they have, what they’re getting, what they’re eating, and the most disturbing, people who are totally wasted under the influence, and they’re behind the wheel of a vehicle bragging about how they aren’t sure if they can drive home (WTF?!). 

Maybe because my family has a long history of alcoholism, this is a little more of a sensitive subject to me.  I remember hearing the stories my aunt would tell about how she wouldn’t remember how she got home from the bar the night before and having to go out and check her car for damage/blood to make sure she didn’t hit something or kill someone.  This blatant disregard for others has lingered in my mind ever since I first heard this story and I remember with every sip of alcohol I consume.  Maybe that is a reason I’m not a big drinker.  

I see all these major corporations chemically and genetically modifying the foods we eat and I get sick thinking about it.  These people are making people lethally sick while the doctor’s are making millions treating the problems that these foods are causing.  It’s a giant profit cycle and they’re using us as guinea pigs.  Like we’re disposable.  Most other civilized countries have banned these GMO companies, so why haven’t we?!

I see people getting pumped full of more chemicals than just the ones we are eating by the drug companies and doctor’s who would rather get us dependent on prescriptions than to actually find the cause of our ailments and fix things with natural cures.  The health problems that are dominant in our society weren’t even heard of in most cases, in our parent’s generation.  The numbers of cases of cancer, diabetes, etc are astronomical compared to the numbers 40 years ago.  

I see children getting “dumbed down” by all the technology being thrown at them.  Sure it’s great to have access to unlimited knowledge but most of the bullshit on the internet is exactly that, bullshit.  The children of this generation will never know how to look something up in the card catalog in the library because of the computers, they will never know the agony/joy of spending hours in the bookshelves trying to find research a subject ( I loved that stuff), and I see these same kids being tethered to video games, tv, computers for their fun instead of playing in the sun and making up their own games.

I see the wars ripping apart countries.  I see countries that have nothing to do with these conflicts butting in and making the conflicts worse and worse.  I see the men and women that are fighting the conflicts we have no business fighting in, coming back broken, missing limbs, and the worst, coming back with mental illness that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.  The government sent babies to fight their war that was based on mostly lies.  9/11 will always ring in my mind and it was a horrific tragedy but instead of rushing to retaliate, we should have held off to get more information about what/who we needed to fight.  12 years later and we’re still fighting what?  

I see the media trying to smooth everything over and reporting nonsense stories while there are serious conflicts going on all over the world that could pose a threat to us.  But the news reports about how Kim Kardashian got disrespected somewhere….who fucking cares??? 

i see all this stuff and I wonder how most people can be so blind to what is really going on in the world.  

Coming up for some air

So I haven’t written too much lately, but it’s because I feel like I’m drowning from everything going on in life.  

My head hurts constantly from all the stress and my PTSD is the worst it’s been in years.  I can’t find a job, not from lack of trying, but no one wants to hire an ex-druggie who hasn’t had a real job since the early 2000’s.  I don’t think I’d hire me if the roles were reversed so I don’t blame them.  All I want is a chance.  

My stomach is constantly in knots over my situation.  It’s not really all that bad; I have a roof over my head, sometimes there is food in my fridge, my guy is pretty fucking amazing, and for the most part I’m happy.

When I start to think about the financial situation is when I get all screwed up but it’s hard not to think about it because at every turn I make, there is the constant reminder that I’m broke.  I stopped “wanting” things a long time ago, but it hurts when you NEED and there’s no where to turn.  

I’m not asking for any handouts.  I’m not going to take something from someone who really needs the help more than I do.  

Also it seems like everything on TV is out to make people think things are fine in the world.  Where are the real stories about how the government keeps pumping all kinds of chemicals into everything from the stuff we eat to the things in our homes and how those chemicals are causing all these cancers and sicknesses that we didn’t have 40 years ago?  Why are we only told about how these celebrities lost their baby weight and what actor got engaged to what singer and so forth?